46. Sex And Addictions: What It Is Like To Have To Live With Someone Who Is An Addict Or Who Has Had Parents With Drug or Alcohol Problems?
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In Blog 45 I wrote, ‘Once the addict becomes fully focused and obsessed on where their next drink or fix will come from, any connection or relationship slowly becomes lost as they search for their next drink or fix’.
This can have a detrimental effect on both the children and the partners of addicts or alcoholics.
But what is it like to have to live with an addict or indeed a child of an addict, when the connection or relationship is or has been lost in favour of alcohol or drugs?
I have broken this topic into 7 sections:
1) Children Of Addicts.
As I have written many times over, parents and their relationships are our behavioural blueprints. Parents teach their children not only about intimacy and relationships, but through their behaviour, they also usually provide a child with a sense of inner security and belonging. This helps a child build self-worth and confidence. Children absorb this teaching either consciously or unconsciously.
This teaching is however not always positive or effective – especially when one or indeed both parents are addicts or alcoholics.
The impact of living in the shadow of a parent/s with addictive behaviours can have vast emotional implications that may ripple into all aspects of a child’s (later adult) life and this is usually not constructive.
Why?
The child of an addict learns very quickly that the parental addiction will always come first and that they, the child will always come second.
Whilst parents are high or drunk, their children are often expected to take responsibility not only for themselves but also possibly for the other parent or younger siblings. As a result, a child may have to grow up a lot quicker than other children of the same age.
Although they may have to fend for themselves and although they may seem competent, many land up feeling a lack of security and self-worth – always feeling not good enough or indeed unloved. And as a result the cycle of addiction may repeat.
Many may themselves become addicts or alcoholics in order to take the pain away of what they feel deep within (especially if there was violence or if they were abused in any way). But these aspects are generally understood and widely recognised.
What is less understood is why children do not always mirror the exact addiction of their parents. Or why children born after a parent has addressed their addiction and no longer considered an addict, yet the child still manifests addictive patterns of behaviour – even though they may not have become serious addicts or alcoholics themselves. Another example is when a parent with addiction issues gets divorced early on in a child’s life, then never sees their child again – yet the child still becomes an addict or alcoholic.
This is when the case for genetics is strong. Or indeed, this is a good example of how a family carries their particular emotional issues from one generation to the next, often unconsciously and without much or any discussion. I wrote about this in the section called “The Family” and I recommended a book called, “The Secrets in the Family” by Lily Pincus.
In other words, a child of alcoholic parents may not become alcoholics themselves, however they can still participate in the family system and although they may never become addicts themselves they may still choose a career or a hobby and so on, that by it’s very nature remains addictive.
Also, children who have watched their parents get drunk or high, and then drop into dark days of being sober as they try get their next fix or drink, often ‘become drunk with the alcoholic or drug addict’. This refers to how the rest of the family have to manage and adapt their own lives around the life of the addict. And as they watch a parent or parents slowly sober up and recover – they too get drawn into the addictive roller coaster behaviour or the cloudy chaos of destructive emotions.
Unfortunately, when there is so much focus and attention placed inwardly, children of addicts and alcoholics can be:
- So focused on the addict or alcoholic that they become less aware of their outer surroundings and what may be going on around them – outside of the family. When this is pointed out, it can come as quite a shock at how little attention they are able to place on the goings on outside themselves. As a result, others may accuse them of being selfish or unaware.
- But they can also be, highly sensitive to danger and therefore they may be on the constant lookout for whatever may happen next. This is because many a drunk or drugged up parent may turn violent and as a result, the family will have had to constantly be on the watch and prepared to walk on egg shells so as not to become the brunt of the horrendous outbursts.