The Deidré Wallace System

44: Sex and Addictions: What You Probably Didn’t Know About Sexual Abuse.

1 Posted by - November 24, 2016 - My Step-By-Step Relationship System, Uncategorized

Blog 44: Sex and Addictions: What You Probably Didn’t Know About Sexual Abuse.

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Sexual Abuse is a topic which was and remains taboo, hidden – yet in plain sight of all those who knew, who saw, who watched and who chose to turn a blind eye – blaming their silence on many reasons that leaves their excuses breathtaking to any outsider.

Unlike today, little was known of the secrets that went on behind closed doors:

The Abuse/The Abuser:

The choosing of a baby, a toddler or which child or teenager to abuse, the subtle flirtatious nuances and the slow psychological breakdown of their target – which they methodically prepare and groom with the full range of menacing threats to silence their victims who are then sworn to secrecy. Sworn to secrecy by using a range of threats either against the victim or their family.

Then the game begins, as they eventually pounce upon their prey. The molestation, the harassment and the pestering can go on for years – often until the child is no longer desirable.

If the abuse is long term, it could feel like psychological and physical torture, whilst the abuser can reap all the power and control over their victim that a skilled torturer may experience. The abuser may enjoy the sadistic desire to cause pain as well as the adrenaline rush of anticipation and secrecy that the abuse entails. Then of course there is the final climax of the orgasmic release.

And sadly, this abuse can occur under the same roof as the rest of the family, consisting of members who themselves may have been abused, others who may be oblivious of the goings on, others who may be threatened themselves, or too frightened by the consequences or by what they may uncover, that they prefer to collude with the abuser and remain silent.

The abuser, knowing the victim or the family well, would have easily gleaned whether they could get away with the abuse or not. If for example, they were the breadwinners, then this would be to their advantage, as it would help keep the abuse and the family quiet.

Vicious Rivalry Can Occur Between Victims:

Also, very little is known about the jealousy that is often set up between either the siblings or between other abused family members and so on.

When one victim gets chosen, instead and over another, they may feel rejected by the abuser and angry as a result. The rejected one may harbour feelings of jealousy towards the chosen one. This jealousy can result in vicious rivalry that can go on for many years to come.

This rivalry can be worsened if the abuser then decides to discard one victim for another.

And if the abuser is known to the victim and possibly even admired or loved, this could add to the viciousness of the rivalry.

In the ancient myth, Poseidon/Neptune raped Medusa, then exceptionally beautiful, on the floor of Athena’s temple in order to irritate his arch-enemy. Athena, in a fit of rage at the desecration, turned Medusa so ugly that no one could look directly at her without being turned to stone and she was banished away to the ends of the earth, prompted by an underlying jealousy of her beauty and that Medusa was chosen instead of Athena.

Also, it is now well-known that nine out of ten times – the abuser is often either a family member or they may be familiar to the family. Or when a step father chooses one sister over another this can lead to serious rivalry and anger between the sisters.

Furthermore, often the predator/abuser prefers their prey when they are young. This way they hope that the atrocity will remain buried and forgotten.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case, (especially if witnessed by other family members, and so on).

The Body Has An Amazing Method Of Storing Trauma.

Many emotional triggers can come from early years when part of the brain that record memories was not fully developed. This is why it can sometimes be difficult to access the memory of trauma.

The memory or the moment of abuse may be forgotten, but it gets stored. It gets stored in the brain, in the body, in your muscles, tissues, bones and in the skeletal and muscle development – and in the eyes. Our eyes are the mirrors of our souls and often victims report blinking problems or have issues with long periods between each blink, as they seem to be constantly on the look out for danger, even years after the abuse took place. Why? Because the memory of the abuse gets stored and maybe even buried.

Worst still, it gets stored within the psyche of the body as anger, rage, sadness, depression, shame, self-hate, lack of self-worth, confidence, and so on.

And without knowing why and exactly where the strong and vicious anger stems from, emotions can rage without reason – or so it seems. ‘Unreasonable anger’ may emerge at the slightest provocation. This could even come as a surprise to the victim as they are left wondering where on earth the anger came from.

On the other hand, if the victim is left feeling utterly worthless, tainted and discarded, they may fall into a deep depression – or what is also known as suppressed or depressed anger.

But also, a victim may always be on their guard after the abuse. This can continue well into adulthood and any behaviour that crosses their boundaries, wakes them up at night and so on, can act as a reminder of the abuse and can cause anxiety, stress and even anger.

Why anger? When boundaries have been crossed without permission given – this is known as rape.

The Consequences Of Abuse Both Physically and Emotionally:

As a result of sexual abuse, many usually present with relationship and sexual problems.

Many also find that trusting either family members or adults very difficult and this can have vast implications for sustaining long-term relationships.

When someone’s personal space and body gets invaded without permission, the feeling or emotion felt by the victim is one of utter despair. The muscles contract and the body can remain in shock for days after the event. The victim can continue feeling violated, shocked, distressed for possibly even many years afterwards.

Sexual abuse is an abuse using sexual organs which respond to touch and stroking in order to stimulate an orgasm. The abuse can take different forms from penetration of the penis to fondling of the genitals, bodily touching, masturbation, kissing and so on.

When the organs are touched, kissed, stroked and so on, the body automatically responds and the feeling is usually pleasurable. This is often the case even if a body is being violated. The victim may feel pleasure and consequently a deep guilt sets in – that maybe, just maybe, they were responsible, responsible for perhaps encouraging the perpetrator. This usually leads to the victim feeling a deep shame that is very hard to shift.

The same applies if the victim is a boy abused by a man. He may not only question whether he encouraged the perpetrator – he may also question his sexuality.

The shame and guilt and all the questions that surround sexual abuse can then get hidden and buried and possibly never spoken about.

Also, and what is not often spoken about is that if a baby, toddler or child were sexually abused, they would be far more aware of their sexual organs and the pleasure that can result from their organs being aroused. Consequently, they may for example, masturbate very early on or they may be more sexually aware than other children of the same age.

Women may also present with urinal and urethra problems which may have been caused by the penis tearing the urethra whilst entering the vagina when the child is still growing and developing.

Some women have also been confused. Many cannot understand why their hymen seems to have remained in tact after sexual abuse. This is because the hymen is often referred to as a membrane and in most people’s minds – this is like a ‘thin piece of skin’. The hymen membrane however, consists of a number of sheath strands which the penis can penetrate without damaging all the strands. If the victim is a tiny baby, then often the broken strands can actually grow back.

Many abusers know this.

This information has often been used by medical practitioners in many court cases – as further evidence that a victim has indeed been abused whether they present as virgins or not. (See links below for more information).

Furthermore, what is also not usually addressed is that if the victim is not physically fully developed, and if they are still either a baby/toddler or young child, the impact of penis penetration can certainly have life-long and permanent damage to the victim’s physical development and growth. Consequently, many victims have for example, also presented with spinal and hip problems.

Others issues may emerge such as anxiety, nightmares, insomnia, memory lapses, a reduced capacity to learn, social withdrawal, headaches, post-traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, addictions and the list goes on.

But also, especially if the abuse occurred whilst a child is still developing physically, then the pelvic area and coccyx may get damaged and this can create a domino effect creating spinal and neck issues, leading to migraines and so on. This is when a realigned of the spine and pelvic are may be necessary to help victims overcome any pain or walking issues such as pronation and so on that may have resulted from the abuse. 

Others may also present with an intense focused stare that anyone who has experiences any form of shock would understand as previously discussed.

Also, when some yoga students or students of Rolphing (which is the study of how the body holds trauma or any health condition), begin to understand the psoas muscle, which is a long fusiform muscle located in the lumbar region, then this often helps release long held trauma.

Also, children may act out their abuse usually with their siblings:

What is also never normally spoken about is that if a man has abused a boy, he may act the abuse out on his brother/s (or indeed his sister/s).

This can create a massive shame and I repeat: If it was a boy may not only question whether he encouraged the perpetrator – he may also question his sexuality.

Siblings often describe their anger towards abused siblings who have abused them in turn – thinking that it was a normal and natural thing to do.

And once again, the shame and guilt and all the questions that surround sexual abuse or indeed incest, can get hidden and buried and possibly never spoken about.

But adults may act out their abuse as well:

This we know from the various paedophile and sex offending cases that are now being brought to trial.

It is becoming more and more evident that the majority of paedophiles and sex offenders have been abused in childhood. And it is well known that ‘the abuser will abuse’. In some cases, this is disputed. However this can be because not every abuser remembers their abuse. However, there are always clues. But, sexual abuse can take years to uncover. This is because doing so all at once can come as a serious shock to the body. Each layer takes time to expose and indeed, this can only happen when the client or patient is ready to explore the next level, and so on.

The hope is that anyone who has been abused and who is an abuser will be helped via therapy to understand their own trauma or abuse.

The abused victim becomes the abuser?

Abuse is a learned behaviour. No matter what or where it is learned, it’s not ok and it is never justified.

Many people experience or witness abuse whilst growing up – and yet they choose not to abuse others.

Abuse is a choice and it is a behavioural choice.

But, there is however an easy line to cross when the learnt (from the abuser) sadistic feelings emerge or when the powerful adrenalin rush arises – when the abused victim is confronted with someone who is even more vulnerable than they are or were.

The unconscious is very powerful.

If old buried memories are provoked in any way, this could lead to the trigger that starts a victim abusing. It’s what they know. It’s what is tucked deep in their psyche as ‘normal’ even learnt behaviour. And this moment of choice can happen very quickly – leading to an enormous amount of guilt felt afterwards.

Unfortunately, one misdemeanour can then leave the ‘victim-abuser’ wanting more. And once they start experiencing the thrill of the seduction – they may want and need more and more.

Once these roles are reversed, the victim can easily become a powerful predator – the powerful predator or sexual torturer they once hated and feared.

Also, this dynamic can happen at any time, at any point in a victim’s life. The trigger moment can happen even in the most unlikely or strangest of circumstances.

The deep inner feeling of wanting and needing power over another human being, can be so overwhelming BUT then comes the choice: To become just another abuser – or to find help.

Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of this moment of choice.

So I repeat: The hope is that anyone who has been abused and who has become an abuser – will find or be helped via therapy and so on, so as to understand their own abuse and what triggers their behaviour that ultimately leads to the re-creation of the abusive environment.

And know this too: Anyone can be abused and anyone can be the victim of abuse. It happens regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race or economic background. It can happen to anyone and it may even have happened to someone you know.

When abuse occurs, unfortunately, the brain may initially help us forget the traumatic experiences however, over time it gets harder and harder for the brain and indeed the body to suppress the emotional distress.

This is when a victim will begin to realise that something is wrong.

If you are or were a victim of abuse or if you are finding that your relationship is suffering as a result, please find help. Speak to your local GP, find a therapist or support groups in your area.

Confronting Your Family:

However, I do warn you to please tread very carefully if you ever feel the need to confront your family. In Blog 33 and 34 I wrote the following, ‘There is an excellent Danish film which I highly recommend called Festen. It was produced by Nimbus and directed by Thomas Vinterberg. It was released under the title the Celebration in the United States. It was also adapted for British theatre by David Eldridge in 2004.

It is the story of a family who come together in order to celebrate their father’s 60th birthday. At dinner, the eldest son publicly accuses his father of sexually abusing both him and his twin sister (who had recently committed suicide). He opens an emotional can of worms but the family slowly shut him up, as none of the other family members are prepared to admit or accept the realities of what has happened within the family’.

This is often the case. Family members can find it very hard to confront their own abuse, or indeed their collusion with the abuser.

You can test the waters but please be gentle. Not everyone is prepared to look back or indeed heal their past as you may be inclined to do. Sometimes these difficult issues are just best left alone.

But please please do not suffer in silence. One in three people have been abused. If you were abused then know this – you are not alone and there are people out there who can help you find peace of mind.

Therapy:

Many victims report that some part of them had died, as a result of the abuse. Indeed, a book worth reading is “Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation”. It is written by Leonard Shengold. Finding the self that was cut off can take ages. Often, because it is buried underneath layers of shame and feelings of worthlessness.

And sadly too, abused victims are often thought to have PTSD (post natal stress disorder) and should be treated with this is mind – no matter how long ago the abuse occurred.

As stated earlier, if you have been sexually abused it may take years, before it gets uncovered and it may take the help of a trained therapist to help you realise what happened. Even if you can’t quite remember everything, know that deep within our memory base we are always left with clues. This is because, if the abuse happened in childhood the brain will bury the trauma so that the child will be able to attend school and so on. In adulthood, the body will begin to signal and send subtle messages when it feels it is time to heal and address the abuse. The trick is realising this. The trick is to listen and to find the right therapist/s to help you uncover the clues, so that over time, you can put the pieces of the puzzle together. This is important because often if the abuse is not addressed, it will begin to affect various areas of your life both consciously and unconsciously, with regards how you think or feel about yourself or what you may continue to allow to happen. This can affect both your personal and career choices. But also, the various layers of what the abuse meant to you, may continue to emerge. Thankfully however, it only does this – when you are ready to see and heal the issues.

Also, I always like to think of the victim of abuse not as a victim but as a survivor. Victims only remain victims through choice.

Healing any trauma caused by sexual abuse, can take time as the various layers may only emerge slowly, especially if the trauma happened early on.

The body will store the abuse memory via the body as written about earlier:

Survivors may suffer from muscular tension issues in the neck, back and so on. This tension can also create migraine headaches. Learning to soften and let go can take some time too. Meditation, yoga and learning how to relax can be very helpful.

However, and as already pointed out, survivors may suffer from hip, skeletal even walking issues as penis penetration very early on may have caused damage as a child’s skeletal structure is not as yet fully developed for adult sex.

Most physical issues can be helped various sessions via Rolfing, the Alexander Technique, Osteopathy and so on, and even Hypnotherapy can be useful – especially with regards migraine headaches or when the body insists on holding on to pain or issues that have become no longer useful.

The body will store the abuse memory via various patterns of behaviour: 

The survivor may constantly be on the look out for danger. A good example is that they may stare arrestingly – because they may have taught themselves not to blink as regularly as others, in case they miss any oncoming or threatening danger.

But also, in some extreme cases, if they’re constantly on the look out for possible danger it may be difficult for them in social surroundings to remain calm and relaxed, which may prove difficult for all involved.

Abuse survivors can also struggle with control issues: Once adulthood is reached, and if they experience any circumstances that in any way becomes a reminder of their earlier abuse, they may try to control the event. This helps them feel that at least they’re able to control the present, whereas what happened in the past would have been beyond their control. Often this happens unconsciously until it gets pointed out.

But if they sense, for whatever reason that their boundaries are being broken, they can be quick off the mark to protect themselves again. This behaviour may sometimes seem a bit over the top, but to a victim – it may seem an important protective mechanism, ensuring that abuse never happens again.

And abuse can leave a deep lack of self-worth. They may feel they were nothing more than a sex object that was used to gratify someone else’s sexual urges. This may leave them with a deep sense of anger and fury that they were used in this manner and this can result in feelings of worthlessness that can begin to seep into all other areas of their lives.

Through therapy hopefully a survivor will be helped to heal these issues, as well as any guilt or sense that they were responsible for the abuse. Hopefully, they will also learn to forgive themselves for whatever happened because holding onto all the anger, rage, sadness, shame, self-hate, lack of self-worth, confidence and so on, is neither helpful or constructive in the long run.

Sexually Abused Victims Can Develop Mythomania or Narcissistic Tendencies:

Anyone that is sexually abused will not feel good about themselves and they can become insecure and even disgusted with themselves. because of the intense feelings of unworthiness, they can develop a false self. this false self is there to protect the real self. The false self is powerful, entitled, and does not ned to abide by any rules. It’s almost as if they are two different people. But in reality, it is the false self that is in control and makes all the decisions and out of this a narcissist can emerge.

Sadly, if a victim prefers the route of denial, they may have to devise all sorts of techniques to keep the abuse and shame buried deep. Some resort to what is known as mythomania or pseudologia fantastica which is chronic or compulsive lying and telling themselves stories to mask the past. And once a lie is created they can create a whole raft of lies – without realising that others, if astute, can pick up on this. And although the lying is a defence mechanism, it also involves dishonesty both with self and others, and a constant monitoring lest the truth be out. And years of lying and untruths told, can result in a victim completely forgetting that the abuse ever happened. All they may remember is to tell a story – that underlines that they are after all, good and caring. And again, this is when a form of narcissism can emerge.

If you refer back to Blog 11, on Narcissism, which points out that often narcissism can emerge as a result of extreme abandonment in childhood, you will no doubt then realise that anyone sexually abused in childhood can fall under this category too. Many sexually abused victims can become narcissistic, or indeed, they can develop tremendous charisma in order to create a carapace around themselves, so as to hide their inner feelings of self-detest and self-hate.

Also, part of the carapace is creating certain relationships that are run in order to seem to the world that they are wonderful and even generous. But in a way, this is a lie. It is about the narcissist lying to themselves about who they really are. Indeed, one narcissist once told me they would have made a great spy, as leading a double life is easy and that often they actually enjoy the game of fooling those around them.

And indeed, often behind closed doors a whole other persona exists – that which very few ever get to see or even know about. Most only ever see one side of a narcissist – the side they wish people to see, that is, that they are fabulous, beautiful, charming, fiesty and no-nonsense people. This is why so many find it hard to believe the truth, if they ever find out.

Also, if a narcissistic and sexually abused victim refuses to admit the past, or what they may have done as a result of their own abuse, they can land up spending a massive amount of energy trying to run from ever being vulnerable. To them, vulnerability is a sign of weakness and they will abhor it, even in others. This is why many never get sick or admit to ever feeling insecure. Instead, they prefer to fight, in order to look strong, defiant and in control. Yet deep down they are crying out for help.

And it is so sad to witness.

Also, and you only have to Google “Narcissism”, say on Pinterest, to find hundreds of memes popping up. This Pinterest meme is an excellent summary of the above: “Narcissists have secrets lives. They lie effortlessly. They are two-faced-appearing with a perfect public image that most people believe. In the shadows, when no one is looking, they do tremendous damage to family members, including their children”.

Therapeutic observation and much writing leads to one conclusion –  that the only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut off all contact and to run in the other direction. This is because they are never really interested in you. They are usually only interested in the love – you show them. Once they realise more is required in either a relationship or friendship and so on, they can quickly turn on you. Or if they realise you have clocked their act or facade, they’ll feel very threatened. But, even though they’ll try to control the situation, the emotional devises they use can become jaw dropping and often this is when respect can be lost.

So yes, sadly, cutting ties is often the only way.

However – not all sexually abused victims are narcissistic. And many do find help.

Summary:

However, if we return to the sexually abused victim, as I wrote earlier, please do not suffer in silence. One in three people have been abused. If you were abused then know this – you are not alone and there are people out there who can help you find peace of mind. There are many support groups and therapists available that are specifically trained to help.

It certainly takes courage to face these emotional and physical wounds but once you do – the relief is enormous and any resulting personal growth is unmeasurable.

And everyone will tell you that in the end anything is better than harbouring the pain that comes from sexual abuse. It is unnecessary to keep quiet in order to hide your pain. You are really worth more than this and once you accept the abuse was not your fault, it becomes easier to heal.

If you do not get help you may be continuing the abuse in ways you may not even be aware of. Abuse filters into all areas of our lives and if you don’t get help you may continue to suffer when all you have to do is ask for help.

© 2016 Deidré Wallace. All rights reserved.

You may find these links useful:

(http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466782)

http://www.livestrong.com/article/210015-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-a-toddler/

https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/child-pornography-involving-infants/

http://www.pathguy.com/adams.htm#SApsychtop

http://www.ehow.com/list_6116286_signs-sexual-abuse-infant.html

http://legalbeagle.com/8412212-signs-abuse-children-under-5.html

http://www.essortment.com/signs-sexual-abuse-men-39306.html

http://mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=331&deptid=1

http://www.medical-library.org/

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/241532.php

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