Blog 120. Part 1: When You Go To Work Each Day You Take Who You Are With You.
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1) You bring who you are into the workplace:
When you go to work each day, no matter how hard you try you cannot leave part of who you are, at home. Even though you may think that you can get away with playing a certain role, you will still bring who you are, your belief system and so on, via your body language and your personality, with you to work each day.
And if you wish to get ahead, it would be crucial that you get to understand exactly what it is that you are ‘bringing with you’ both consciously and unconsciously, so that you don’t land up sending the wrong messages, so that you don’t also land up – wondering why things aren’t exactly working out for you.
And also, although most of my clients came to see me with personal relationship issues, many soon realised that there were parallels with the relationships they had formed at work that related back, not only to the relationship they had with their families, their siblings and their parents, but also their belief system – and how they had learned specifically to relate with either male or females within their family structure.
I have already written a section about the Family System, and I suggest you refer back to it in order to get a deeper understanding of the roles each member may be asked to play within their respective families and indeed why, as well as how this may relate to the roles they then play at work. In other words, we usually continue, even if it’s unconscious, to play the same roles at work as the roles we were expected to play at home. It‘s what comes naturally to us and it’s what we are used to.
It is therefore crucial to learn to understand exactly what role it is that you are used to playing, so that you can use it more effectively and so that you can benefit from it. It may reveal an aspect about you that you hadn’t realised, or it may also reveal an area that you need to address which may be getting in the way of you moving forward.
Most importantly however, was the realisation from my clients, that the relationships that had been developed with their families or partners, was often somehow mirrored in their work relationships. And in particular – the methods of relating that were learned within their family structure or system – were often taken into the work environment and acted out accordingly.
For example, how a boss or an authority figure is viewed, be it whether they are male of female, may relate back to the relationships formed with a parent or indeed, both parents. If this relationship was negative, it may provide reasons why there might be friction within the workplace too. Addressing these issues privately (via life coaching or therapy) may become beneficial as it might help create a better working relationship without any individual’s past creeping in, and destroying what could be better working solution – especially if a financial deal or employment is at stake.
2) Your past can also influence your success rate and indeed, how you work:
We are brought up to believe that if we do well at school this will allow us to go to trade school, college or university and as a result, we’ll get a good job. We are told that this will lead to a decent start in life so we can support our families, and so on. Although this is true to some extent, unfortunately some get stuck along the way, unable to fulfil their hopes or dreams. Something happens and they get bypassed for that important promotion, or they see their brother-in-law drive away in the car they always wanted, but could never quite afford, and so on.
And when this starts happening, many don’t realise that if this bothers them, then it’s at this point when they need to ask for help. Or, if it’s not success they’re after, yet they still feel unfulfilled, then it might also be time to ask for help – help in the form of life coaching or therapy, or whatever other methods may be available in your area.
Taking this step does not mean there is something wrong with you. All it means is that you may have overlooked the obvious or you may just need another perspective on things. And having this option is always handy. Developing a relationship with someone who you can trust and who will give you sound and objective advice is invaluable – but usually it is better to find someone who is properly trained – and who won’t land up sighing each time you call them.
Also, what often happens is that many don’t quite realise how early experiences can affect a careers or indeed, what trajectory that a career may take. This is because it is important to stop long enough to spend time investigating the messages that were taught or absorbed whilst growing up, and how this may have consciously and especially unconsciously, lead to the development of self-worth or indeed, the lack of it. These messages may also affect expectations and feelings about success and failure or indeed, money and what it means to be wealthy or not.
These messages are often referred to as paradigms, which are ‘programs’ that can become deeply ingrained within the psyche, so that for some, no matter how hard they try, dreams just keep slipping or fading away. This usually occurs, because not enough time has been given to discovering exactly what these paradigms or belief system actually are. And not enough time has been given to re-programming or putting more beneficial program in place.
As a result, many can land up resisting success without ever realising that they’re doing this. For example, they may think that think they’re doing exactly what their colleague is doing, but for some unknown reason, they keep getting promoted, they keep earning more. This can lead to frustration and eventual despondency.
In the previous section I wrote that, Brian Tracy had once said, “Personal development is a major time-saver. The better you become, the less time it takes you to achieve your goals”. In other words, and what is understood by many, is that personal development cannot be overstated. It’s the secret to separating yourself from the crowd. It creates a bridge that carries you towards the goals you have yet to reach.
But, it’s not just about personal development. It’s also about learning to understand the laws behind making money or being successful. No one gets taught this at school. Learning these laws and getting to understand all the paradigms swirling around in your head, along with your childhood and families expectations and belief systems, may seem like hard work – but it’ll save you time, it’ll save you money and you’ll probably arrive at a better place than you ever imagined yourself capable of.
And when clients came to me they were often surprised when they realised just how much the past actually influence their careers – and that often their success rate was determined by their conscious or unconscious belief system or indeed the habits surrounding that belief system.
When we choose our careers, we don’t always realise that the choices we make or indeed, if and how we succeed or don’t succeed, usually depends on how we were brought up, what we taught and what expectations were instilled in us. Unfortunately besides what is expected, as we grow up, we experience many moments that counterbalance any positive attempts or expectations.
What we experience or learn about ourselves whilst growing up can leave us feeling either, confident and able to succeed, or it may have produced the opposite effect – and our career choices, our failure or our triumphs, will reflect this. And it will also reflect how we manage success or failure.
We often don’t always realise the importance of the environment we grew up in, and that what we heard or saw our parents or families do, has an enormous influence on how we behave. What our parents feel about money, jobs or careers is passed down – and we behave accordingly.
And this also determines not only our career choices but also our attitudes to work, or whether we work for others or whether we work for ourselves – whether we are able to work in a team, whether we are able to lead, be a boss or whether we prefer to work behind the scenes.
3)We also don’t often realise that the careers we choose – mirror who we are:
Most importantly too, was the realisation from my clients, that what we choose to do in our work lives – often mirrors the roles we were assigned to in our families of origin.
You will already have gleaned that as a result of the roles played in families, some may be natural leaders and employers, others may be happy to be employed, an only child may be happy working on their own and as a result, they may choose self-employment. Some may be the consciousness of the group and others may be the needy attention-seeking baby of the group, and so on.
Understanding the role you played in your family or what was expected of you, will help you understand the work you may choose to do as an adult.
How we choose the work we do, is often determined by:
1)What we experienced as children.
2)What we are capable of doing.
3)What we felt naturally inclined to do, or
4)What our families expected you to do or become.
There are of course many examples and not every career that is chosen is exactly due to what children experienced at home. However, it is worth realising from the examples given below, that the inner psyche or unconscious is often stronger than we realise, and what we experience as children often greatly influence who we become:
-Certain roles may be ‘forced’ upon children. Besides a family’s financial requirements, in some cases, children may be forced emotionally to grow up quickly. They may be compelled to become responsible early on and they may have had to take on caring roles especially if their parents were emotionally immature, ill, or if they had addiction issues, and so on. As a result they may even choose a caring position later on in life – mainly because it is what they know and will have learned to do.
-Another example is if there was violence in the home and if children felt they were unable to protect a parent they may land up working as in a security company or they may even land up owning the security company. This would help them feel more in control and able to achieve what they weren’t able to manage as children.
In other words, careers or the work we choose to do as adults, may help to counterbalance childhood experiences whether they were negative or positive.
-If a child kept being forced and pressured to do well at school they may rebel later on in life. They may choose the exact opposite of what a parent hoped for.
-On the other hand, if a parent couldn’t ever achieve much themselves due to whatever circumstances they may have found themselves in, they may insist their children become doctors and lawyers to counterbalance their own situation, and so on
-In other cases, it could be that a child always wanted to be something and they worked hard to become what they heart yearned for.
Either way, choices are usually linked to the role you felt most comfortable playing and what support you may have had along the way.
Over many years, I realised as did many of my clients, that who we become is directly linked to our childhood and how we manage what happened to us. Napoleon Hill repeatedly said and taught that, “Self-analysis is one of the most important activities you should do every day. Never a day should pass without you examining your thoughts and deeds.
Taking this initiative can be hard because it may involve self-analysis. But better this, than someone else doing it for you – as this can be somewhat embarrassing. It is therefore always wiser to do something about your weaknesses before others find out about them.
In other words, stop creating alibis for yourself and start examining yourself in connection to your thoughts and your virtues”.
He was right. It starts with us, and blaming everything around us only puts off what we know deep down we should do.
© 2019 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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