Blog 112. Therapy Part B: Relationship Therapy: Find Out Why You Should Go To Relationship Therapy Before It’s Too Late.
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Relationship therapy can help clients gain a deeper insight into the way they relate, and this can help both their personal and their business lives.
Learning to understand how and why we attract or choose our partners is crucial. Why?Because, relationships are risky. Therefore it is important to make sure that we reduce these risks by learning to understand what to look out for, what questions to ask, and so on, so that we can make better partner choices to suit our life goals.
As a relationship therapist, I realised that most people have no idea what relationships actually involve, or indeed, how they ought to go about choosing their partners. For generations we’ve been told that relationships and marriage is something about love and having children. Then we cross our fingers and hope for the best. Sure some people manage, but others can fail miserably. Now relationships are like rolling a dice with other people’s lives. By this I mean – that if there are children, often they have to suffer if their parents split up and so on. Often they land up in the divorce courts, and the family members separate.
This is mostly unnecessary. Once people understand exactly how and why we choose our partners, this will enable them to choose differently and more wisely – and before they commit too quickly.
Either way – don’t wait until it’s too late.
Many people only consider therapy, relationship therapy or any form of self-reflection when it is either too late or when things have gone horribly wrong:
Often a couple have already married and/or they already have children -before they seek help. By this time, important and often lifelong decisions have been made, and then attempting to choose a different path can be very hard, especially if children are involved.
As a result, many of my clients often reported that had they known my relationship knowledge earlier, they may have chosen differently, or indeed they may have done things differently. However, and I may be contradicting myself here – sometimes we need to trust that whoever we choose to be with, even though the relationship may not seem quite right, is often exactly what is needed for growth to occur. And this can prompt therapy or some sort of self-reflection. But this doesn’t always mean that they shouldn’t be together. It just means they still have a lot of work to do. But yes, had they known my relationship knowledge system, they may have been able to prevent a lot of heartache.
Here Are A Few Reasons Why You May Need Relationship Therapy:
1) You’re unhappy and think you’re in the wrong relationship but realise, that because you now have children, you desperately need to find a way of making your relationship work. This is when relationship therapy can help you and your partner achieve this – at least until the children leave home.
(But a word of caution: If your children know that you and your partner only plan to stay in the relationship until they leave home, this may prevent them from going anywhere. No one wants to be held responsible for the parent’s splitting up. So they may try stay on, in order to save your marriage. But this is not the role any child should play. However, this is not always the reason behind why kids stay at home longer than they ought to, but it’s a point worth bearing in mind nevertheless).
2) You think you’re in the wrong relationship but over time (or via therapy) you may realise that you have indeed chosen the right person. We often get what we need, not what we want – and herein may lie many lessons. Partners often mirror all the issues we need to address and once we realise this, we may start viewing our partners differently.
3) If you want or need to understand why you’ve actually attracted your partner: This is why it’s important to find out the exact conscious or unconscious reasons behind why you attracted your partner – before you leave and continue attracting the same type. Why? Because birds of a feather flock together and our patterns will repeat until we address them. And knowing this will help you understand your partner better.
4) Also, a couple may need relationship therapy if they find it hard to commit or to stay together.
5) They have sexual or intimacy or indeed, sexuality issues.
6) A partner has or is having an affair.
7) Work and travel has impacted on a relationship.
8) There are family and children issues, especially if children have been adopted.
9) Religion is causing a concern.
10) And if there are Issues with regards violence, addictions, gambling, abuse, sexual abuse and so on.
11) Money or debt has become an issues.
12) Depression and mental issues are becoming an issue.
13) Therapy is often also required if there is a life changing event such illness, a loss, retirement, and so on. This can create issues within the relationship which could also involve bereavement and grief issues, and this may require an objective listening ear.
14) And relationship therapy may be as simple as a couple requiring a different vantage point, if they are experiencing complex issues.
15) Also, if you are having trouble with a business partner or colleagues the relationship therapy can be useful too. And some of the issues that may nned to be addressed is: not getting that sought after promotion, bullying or feeling you are not getting ahead or unable to reach your goals.
These are but a few of the problems that I have seen repeated over and over again. They are certainly not the only issues but this is a good example of what most relationship therapists are able to address.
It is also important to know that healing our issues is never linear:
Issues are often layered and created over long periods. Peeling back these layers may consequently, take time – and they only ‘come away’ when we are ready. Therefore even though you may think your therapy is over and that you’ve done great work, but in time, other issues may pop up. This could require a return visit to either the same therapist, or depending on the issues at hand, you may want to find someone else.
The most important aspect of relationship therapy is that – during this process, the couple often discovers aspects about one another that they never knew or indeed aspects about themselves – that they’d either forgotten or thought unimportant. This knowledge and indeed growth often allows a couple to get closer through their mutual understanding.
A couple will also explore one another’s parents and their families. Consequently a lot more gets learnt about a partner and this often deepens understanding and comprehension.
Also, it is also important for a couple to realise that in any relationship, past events can cause knee-jerk reactions in present time, and if a couple do not understand each other’s past experiences, they may not understand why negative reactions or responses happen. As a result, unnecessary friction or misunderstandings may occur.
In other words, all these events, and all these bits of information are all part of ‘the pieces of a relationship puzzle’, that help a couple understand themselves and indeed, their partners better. This can then enable a couple to find a deeper level of intimacy once they’ve realised just how much they actually share and why they may have been attracted to one another and why they actually chose one another.
You can find out more in: Blog 113. Therapy Part C: Why Do We Need Relationship Therapy? Why Can’t They Just Talk To A Friend Or Family Member?
© 2019 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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