74. Dating: Daters Have Different Motives. What is Yours?
You may have noticed that I have placed this section – after writing about marriage.
The expectations of dating can vary from person to person:
1) Some date just to have fun.
2) Some date just to have sex.
3) And others date with a view to marriage.
However, if you are dating hoping to find someone special and someone who you can possibly spend the rest of your life with, then it’s important to know this:
Having a goal (and in this case it may be marriage) in mind is one thing, but understanding what that goal entails – is another matter altogether.
This is why I have written about marriage first.
These days young adults have so many choices on dating sites that this leaves them very confused. Many don’t know where to begin, what to look for and yet many assume that what is expected is to have sex with only a slight possibility of a long term relationship.
Not knowing what you are letting yourself in for – can lead to disappointment. Choosing the wrong person and not knowing how to choose the right person, can lead to emotional heartache, pain and feelings of failure and so on.
And getting married before you are ready to settle down can also lead to a lot of pain and frustration.
It is therefore wise before dating – to become clear, about the reasons or objectives of your dating.
If you are dating to find a marriage partner then make sure you understand what marriage is about. It is not just about falling in love and then living happily ever after. This unfortunately is a belief that belongs mostly to fairy tale stories. Rather, marriage is far more complicated.
Marriage is an arrangement between two people who are reasonably mature and compatible, and who have the financial means to bring up a family and pay whatever bills this requires. It involves a serious level of commitment and it can also involve families of both partners, especially if there are children involved.
However, being clear about your dating objectives will therefore also ensure and prevent others, who might not be dating with the same intention as you, from getting hurt.
This you can do by setting boundaries and communicating from the start, exactly what it is that you expect from your dating experience.
Even if you wish to just have fun, being clear about your expectations, simplifies matters and it reduces misunderstandings.
Writing about marriage, I also pointed out the various reasons why some people fear marriage. This however – may not stop some people from dating and having a good time.
These days, Internet dating sites now offer all sorts of different options and for those who are very busy, the sites offer an important alternative to sitting at home lonely.
It is however important to realise too, that dating does not automatically lead to a romantic relationship or marriage. Although, I suspect you already knew this.
People have different reasons for dating and it may be different to yours.
In the past, how people met one another differs greatly from how things are done to day – and I suspect this will change again over time.
But no matter what the techniques used to meet someone, the same rules apply:
Know These 12 Dating Rules
- Be careful whom you invite into your home. If the person is a complete stranger, you may want to go slow at first. Get to know your date better first.
- This is because some people have been abused and raped and the trauma of this is not worth rushing into a relationship with someone you do not know – even if your date appears to be nice, rich, good looking and charming. Sometimes it is the charismatic ones that are the worst offenders. So be careful.
- Consequently, it is often better to go on a few dates first that do not involve going to anyone’s home. Go for dinner, go to the movies and so on.
- Introduce your date to your friends and visa versa. Check them out.
- And learn to ask the right questions about their home life, their relationships, their careers and so on.
- Get savvy.
- And be clear about what you want. This will help you assert proper boundaries and you will be respected as a result.
- AND NO – YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE.
- If you are a woman remember that men are the hunters. Most will tell you that they prefer the hunt, than ‘getting it all over’ on the first date – no matter how keen they may seem to appear.
- And if its marriage that you are hoping for – then it is certainly best to wait. You never want your future partner to accuse you of being easy. It is not something anyone would ever want to hear – so be careful. Be aware, be patient. It will be worth it in the long run.
- Once you do decide to become intimate then please – USE CONDOMS AND STAY SAFE. Many first timers and also older people are forgetting this: Sexually transmitted disease or STD’s are infectious and can be passed from one person to another through sexual contact. There are all sorts of STD’s and the causes usually are as a result of bacteria, parasites, yeast and viruses. The more well known ones are: Chlamydia, Genital herpes, Gonorrhea, HIV/Aids, Syphilis etc.
- It is therefore important to use condoms especially if a woman is pregnant as STD’s can cause serious health problems for the baby. Correct usage of latex condoms greatly reduces, but does not completely eliminate, the risk of catching or spreading STDs.
- Also, if your date refuses to share any personal details then this may be dangerous. Psychology Today has a good article, by Wendy L. Patrick dated 15 April 2018, that explains why: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201804/date-who-shares-no-personal-information-can-be-dangerous?amp&__twitter_impression=true
Dating and being intimate, having sex and falling in love – is easy. What is not easy, is finding the right partner to suit your life’s goals.
Often people rush far too quickly into relationships – not realising that lust and the need to procreate and have sex – can override our sensibility and wisdom.
And if a woman’s body clock has started ticking, this too can create a pressure and a powerful need to find a partner, which can lead to heartache if the wrong partner is chosen too quickly.
Furthermore, our need to feel loved and cherished can create a desperation that often overrides intelligence.
Being aware of human frailty and our possible moral weaknesses should by now have made ‘man wiser to the folly of the flesh’. Yet we don’t seem to have learnt much over the years. Each generation seems to have to learn anew – what so many have failed to learn themselves.
But perhaps after reading this, and with some reflection, you may be able to choose more wisely – either for yourself, or you may even be able to impart better dating wisdom to the next generation. Either way, Mandy Hale, author of ‘The single woman: Life, Love and a Dash of Sass’, wrote “Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”
From the beginning of any relationship – start by asking the right questions, so that you won’t ever have to settle for second best.
Because you are worth more than years of heartache and pain.
© 2017 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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