71. Marriage: Why Do Couples In The West Choose To Get Married?
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If you’ve experienced a difficult or unsuccessful marriage then you may totally disagree with the sentiments of what this union may symbolise. And I wouldn’t be surprised.
Having had a negative experience, which may have left you feeling that your marriage was a disaster, that it left you feeling disappointed, a failure, angry and possibly poorer – then the last thing you would agree with, is anyone spouting the benefits of marriage.
However, blaming the marital institution is a lot easier than blaming oneself.
Over all the years of seeing clients, a vast majority reported that – had they known to ask the right questions all those years ago, they may have chosen differently.
This is 90% of the problem.
It is not marriage that is the problem. Often it lies with the partners that people choose to marry – supposedly for the rest of their lives.
People enter marriage, often via a ceremony with utterances of some romantic vow promising ever-lasting love – but we all know that this is the stuff of fairy tales stories. The reality is often very different.
Many declare undying love but without asking for a ‘CV’. Yet the job market insists on our producing CV’s yet we forget this when it comes to our personal relationships.
A ‘CV’ or at least questions that should be asked of a prospective marriage partner should include family histories, both emotional and medical, what relationship a partner has with their parents, whether their parents are married or divorced, a financial history and whether a future partner is fully capable and able to commit and be financially responsible for a family and the bringing up children. But also, why have past relationships failed and so on.
This may seem extreme but just getting an idea of the above – is far better than nothing at all. After all, you will be setting up a home possibly for the rest of your life with this person.
I also advised that people introduce their prospective partners to their friends and families whom they trusted so as to check their choice. By doing this it also helps both parties make considered and good choices to suit their life goals.
Unfortunately, for many who neglect to ask these questions or who miss the obvious signals, their lives often turn into abject misery.
Not being self-aware or confident enough, people often grab at any opportunity hoping it is love – but then land up being so dreadfully disappointed.
Yet for many others, marriage seems to work. Often this is due to having good internal parents and a good sense of self. I wrote about this in section 2.
But also, marriage can provide a good, not perfect, foundation and a support system, which can allow for independence and growth.
This is of course achieved, and I cannot stress this enough – if sufficient questions are asked and a good partner choice is made.
Only then, can a good enough marriage hope to survive. Of course there are many who also just make do – often for the sake of the children.
However statistically, marriage has been reported to offer:
1) Better financial security.
2) Less income tax.
3) Pension perks.
4) Insurance benefits.
5) Inheritance tax benefits.
6) You have more rights in most countries as a married partner or parent.
7) In most countries, if you do get divorced you and your children will have more rights.
8) Marriage changes how people view you: In many cultures marriage is seen as a natural progression from young adulthood into mature adulthood as you get honoured and respected for becoming an adult and taking on responsibility.
9) Confidence and security gained via a standing or recognition within society.
10) Long-term companionship and friendship, which often creates better mental health.
11) In some countries you will gain a better social and religious acceptance.
12) It is easier to bring up kids within a family environment – often with both parents present.
For some this has certainly been the case.
Marriage, its ceremony and the passing of rings symbolises an eternal connection that not withstanding its hardships, can create a beautiful bond between two people.
The yin and yang of male and female, if understood and not abused – can work in unison to become a team of friendship and love that surpasses any alternative.
For those who have experienced being both happily single and married – often their choice remains marriage. Marriage can provide an important internal emotional support system that can enable two people to grow and develop into themselves, in ways that being single may not have allowed them to. This is often due to a partner’s wise input and feedback.
The bond that two people can therefore experience, especially as they mature and grow older, or as they watch their offspring head off into their own adulthood, is very special.
I would therefore urge you to re-consider this union or if you are considering this union for the first time, please ask all the right questions.
Learn to read the signals, You start as you mean to go on and if you just listen hear and look – people will tell us everything you will need to know.
You just have to be brave enough to hear what your partner tells you.
© 2017 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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