70. Relationship Realities: Is Your Lack Of Confidence Preventing You From Developing A Good Relationship?
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Confidence. This is one of the most important themes that run through most people’s lives.
The British artist, Julian Schnabel, once said, “Confidence and belief in your own work, your career and who you are – has to do with your parents loving you, more than anything else.”
And he was right.
Developing a child’s confidence starts with unconditional parental love. And constructive parental support remains the origin and backbone of confidence.
When a child experiences love and reassurance from their parents, they develop a sense of self-worth and self-belief.
This is one of the most important gifts anyone can ever receive!
Confidence and a healthy sense of self-worth, allows someone to know what they want, what they will tolerate and what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour. This is usually due to an understanding of the importance of creating a good boundary system.
It is therefore not surprising that confident people are usually successful.
This is mirrored not only in the careers but also in the relationships and friends they choose.
Confident people are also normally never victims.
They don’t blame everyone else for what has gone wrong in their lives. If indeed something has gone wrong – they pick up the pieces, learn from the experience and they then move on.
But for many – this may read like some fairy tale story. Why?
Because only a very few have this kind of confidence.
The majority of people are never encouraged or told that someone believes in them. Many are also never told that they are beautiful, handsome, clever, and so on. As time goes on, and if few positives are reinforced – most people become despondent. They begin to feel like failures and they just give up. Then they land up taking whatever job comes their way and subsequently, ambition or achievement gets put on the back-burner.
As a result, many start putting their hope in relationships and that one person who will turn their life around – who will love them and provide them with everlasting happiness.
Unfortunately, knights in shining armour that rescue and kiss princes or princesses don’t actually exist. Once this is realised, and the knight comes tumbling off their pedestal, the result is often a flurry of disappointment, anger and sadness.
Often this results in either eventual divorce or a failed, unhappy relationships.
This is when suddenly, all the old lack of self-worth returns, the feelings of failure emerge and a lack of confidence comes rushing back.
It is at this point that people panic.
They run around trying to find quick answers. But when the answers don’t come and they still feel the same way as before – depressed or disheartened, often they just give up. And the search for another knight begins. And this is how the cycle continues.
It is only when we stop. It is only when we’ve had enough, when we realise that what we’re doing isn’t working any more, that what we’re hoping for isn’t found in someone else – that things can begin to shift.
It is only when we reach rock bottom and when we realise that happiness comes from within and not from without or from anyone else – that a real shift can occur.
At this point it becomes relevant to ask this question: ‘Have you reached rock bottom yet?’
Once you have answered this question, then you can start by building or re-building your confidence. You can do this by beginning to know yourself, through therapy or via life-coaching. Self-knowledge is vastly underrated. It is probably the most valuable asset we can ever develop and it will take you far. And it will help you make better choices to suit your life goals.
Marsha Guerrier recently wrote, ‘Before we can truly walk with confidence we need to know ourselves fully’. And she too is right.
So what’s stopping you?
© 2017 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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Totally resonate with this piece as I was constantly reinforced that I am an utterly useless good for nothing child who would grow up and end up as a destitute on the streets . 🙂 my dad’s exact words. Even though I did well in Undergrad and had a good job. I always felt that I am not good. Finally did very well n my hubby asked me to quit coz I couldn’t balance my career with my home n kid. It broke me but I quit. Now trying to start something but the drive and confidence seems lacking big time. It comes in spurts and I am back to the dumps again .
Dear SM murthy,
Fight the urge to fall back into the negative belief-system. What others have told you about yourself, doesn’t need to be true, unless you allow it to be true.
People are our teachers. They only mirror the issues that we still need to address. That is all.
Thank them and then deal with what they are showing you. And you can address your negative belief system or the negative story in your head, by inserting a new positive story. Do this continuously until you can begin to think differently about yourself.
Then watch how things start shifting.