Blog 25. Relationship Wisdom: Learn How To Confront People Constructively – And Develop Self-Confidence At The Same Time.
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People usually fear confrontations because they can turn negative and they can become destructive arguments.
Unless you are absolutely clear about the outcome you want to achieve from a confrontation, you can get yourself into a horrible mess. Because what you really want to say or feel can be misunderstood. Suddenly things can get out of control and before you know it, damaging things are said which you later regret, leaving you feeling even worse than before.
So when you loose the focus of what you want to achieve disaster and catastrophe can happen.
A worthwhile analogy to take on board is this: We never ever leave places without normally knowing where we are heading for. If we leave home or work our destination is normally clear. We make a choice and so as not to waste too much time we look at a map and we find out how to get somewhere or indeed if we have done the journey many times before, we will obviously know where we are going.
So when we depart, we usually know where we want to arrive.
Another example of this is, if you go to a pub you have a choice, to either stop drinking before you get drunk, or to continue drinking, which may mean that when you wake up the following morning the arrival point is a whacking great hangover.
As adults we have choices. When to depart and where we want to arrive and perhaps even what we want to achieve, depends on the choices we make.
Therefore, in any situation and especially in conflict situations, knowing where you ‘want to arrive’ or what you want to achieve from a situation is vital.
It is also very important to first check your intentions. Stop and think what you really feel about the person or situation. Because if your intentions are negative or if you feel envy or jealousy or extreme anger towards a person, then your confrontation may have underlying destructive agendas. This will lead to disaster. And be clear as to why you are confronting someone in the first place.
However, by considering ‘where you are departing from and where you want to arrive’ or by feeling and thinking through what you want to say, where you are truly coming from and what you want from the person or situation, you are more likely to achieve the right results.
So when you confront a situation, by keeping the focus of what you want to say or achieve is of great benefit.
Also when you know what you want to say, (and remember to keep it short) you will have more impact.
This along with the right timing what you say could be listened to. Choosing the right time is crucial too. It’s no use trying to get someone’s attention when they are busy or preoccupied. Having a bit of patience will serve you well and it will also test that what you have to say is important to you too. Sometimes what we feel in the heat of a moment, over time might become irrelevant.
Also, try to say what you have to say and leave – get out if you can. Try not to wait for the other person to come back at you with excuses. Give them time to digest what has been said.
Then when things are calm and when and if they do want to talk about the problem, be prepared to talk it through – but with a clear focus in mind. Try and stay on topic. Otherwise confusion can occur and this could lead to the argument you were trying to avoid in the first place.
So remember keep it short and keep to the topic. If the other person refuses to keep the focus then drop it. It’s not worth the effort. You may have to accept that just for now, the problem or issue is best left alone.
Most importantly – try not to wait too long before you confront someone. This can result in a whole lot of stuff heaping up, which during confrontations can come pouring out. Try to address things as they happen.
Using my Departure and Arrival System will also help you develop your self-confidence. It will help you find your voice and it will help you confront issues constructively.
You might not get this right first time round and you might not get this right every time. However through practice you can get better at voicing and confronting in a constructive way. This will help your personal and business relationships too.
No matter what you wish to achieve, keep in mind my system of Arrival and Departure. Get in the habit of asking yourself what it is that you want, where you want to be and what you want from situations, relationships and even your career.
This will only help you become clearer with regards what you want from your life so that you can make better choices to suit your relationships and your life goals.
Note: © 2014 Information Copyright Deidré Wallace
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