Blog 80. Dating: It’s Been Ages And He Still Hasn’t Asked Me To Marry Him?
There comes a point in all relationships when a commitment choice needs to be made.
These choices can vary – depending on what each member of the couple hopes to gain: A couple can either choose to live together, or they can choose to get married. They can also choose to marry – but they can then choose only to live together at various arranged times during the week and so on. Or a couple may choose not to commit at all, in which case they may head off in different directions entirely.
However, in some cases these choices can be delayed and put on hold. This can become very frustrating. Waiting for someone else to make up their mind with regards a decision that will affect both parties can become tedious, especially if it drags on, and on, and on.
As a result, questions should start to emerge with regards the reasons why a commitment of whatever sort is being avoided or postponed.
The reasons for this, can of course vary from person to person:
1) Many may fear marriage or a long-term commitment: Gloria Jean Watkins or better known by her pen name as bell hooks once wrote,
“Usually if an adult is unable to make emotional connections with the partner they choose to be intimate with – this could result in their being frozen in time and unable to allow themselves to love – for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, their mother, or the first man they ever loved, their father, was not true to the bond of love, then how can they ever trust that their partner will be true to love?”
In other words, if children witness the loss of a parent, this loss can become internalised. Consequently in adulthood, they may prefer to abandon partners first – in case they have to go through the pain of abandonment once again. Sadly, and as a result, many never really get to know the joys of long-term intimacy.
And marriage – this would be a step to far.
Even though they may search, hope and promise – often the result is only further despair, loneliness and feelings of failure.
2) Many may also not believe that they are worthy or that they will ever be successful in a long-term arrangement – especially if they’ve witnessed their parents marriage land up in the divorce courts, and so on.
3) Many may fear becoming parents and the commitment required.
4) Others may fear the financial issues marriage requires, especially if children are involved and if spousal maintenance was ever to be demanded.
5) But some, especially if they are still young, may just not feel that they are ready to make a life-long commitment.
Whatever the reasons, if you are waiting for your partner to make up their minds about committing to you, and it’s taking forever, then you may want to ask yourself the following questions:
1) Whether you have attracted an unavailable partner – and why?
2) Whether your partner’s behaviour somehow relates to your parent’s behaviour or their relationship – as well as your past relationships?
3) Or why you have attracted someone who cannot make up their minds – as this will have an impact on many other areas within your relationship too?
4) And how is their not making up their minds about committing to you – making you feel about yourself?
5) How worthy do you feel? And might there be something that YOU are doing – that is making your partner hesitate about committing?
6) Are you in other words, blaming your partner for what actually lies at your door?
These questions are examples of what may be necessary to spur things on a bit. Hiding things ‘under the carpet’ and ignoring them never helps. All this does is waste more time. And also, if your body clock is ticking – then you may start becoming resentful.
The best solution is to communicate your concern with your partner. If this is not forthcoming, a further solution may be to seek couple therapy.
Also, many couples don’t realise that once they get married, and especially if they choose to have children, that they will have more rights by being married – if anything were to go wrong. This often applies more to women than men. However, many do not research what rights they will or won’t have, and this can often lead to massive disappointment and shock in the case of death, divorce and so on.
It is therefore imperative that people make the necessary enquiries and that they they do not leave things to chance.
And therefore, if your partner has still not proposed or you still have not married then you may want to rethink your position.
It may be time for you to move on.
This is not always easy and this is often one of the main reasons why many people choose to stay in relationships. Many find it hard to say goodbye. Many find ending a relationship extremely difficult. Consequently, they prefer to just let things be. But this is also never a good solution as it just prolongs the problem.
Either way, take courage.
Make sure that you are not part of the problem and try not to waste too much time waiting for someone else to make up their mind – about your life.
Because this is your life. You do have a choice. Now make it happen.
© 2017 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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