Blog 51. SEX AND ADDICTION: Why Do People Get So Very Angry?
Did you grow up with an anger that raged within you, yet you managed to somehow silence this feeling because you never quite understood where it came from?
Then as you grew older you even forgot about it.
But occasionally and depending on the situation, from seemingly nowhere this anger would make its appearance and rise from the very depths, insisting on emerging and just exploding.
Suddenly you felt helpless, bewildered and very disturbed.
And you couldn’t quite put your finger on where this feeling actually came from.
All you knew, was that you were very angry and that somehow the force of that anger remained – unexplained.
Sadly though, you may have realised that this anger is dangerous and it can harm, and it can harm you too, that is – if you were awake and aware. Many aren’t always aware.
Unfortunately, this sort of anger can remain allusive for many years. It may only pop up every now and again – either when you’re not looking or just when you thought it had gone away.
But buried or hidden feelings never just go away. They lie dormant. Waiting.
So why does anger erupt so unexpectedly and so abruptly?
When someone suddenly senses danger, when they suddenly feel out of control, when they suddenly feel vulnerable and that their boundaries have been crossed, they can explode ferociously and heaven help anyone in their way.
This kind of anger usually stems from childhood traumas, and often from abuse – emotional, sexual or physical abuse. It can also stem from abandonment and it can stem from a child being told they were worthless or irrelevant and so on.
But here is the important bit – compared to adults, most children or teenagers have not yet fully developed sufficient language to express their stress or trauma.
In fact, most children and even teenagers find it very hard to communicate or articulate their emotions, especially if they’ve been told that they’re either making it up or if they feel they won’t be believed or even if the trauma happened before any language skills were developed.
This is why child psychologists like Melanie Klein use play therapy. If a child is unable to express their emotions via the language adults understand, then drawing or playing under supervision, with the right questions being asked, can help a child heal. A great book on this subject is ‘Dibs in Search of Self’ written by Virginia Axline and its well worth a read.
But not all children have the luxury of seeing a child psychologist.
Consequently, the trauma usually gets buried and forgotten as a child gets on with their life.
But when the anger does re-appear, it can do so vehemently, especially if it’s still not understood. When it rages, it does so without comprehension and with a frenzy that can be quite shocking. It is a rage of indescribable feelings that must out.
But once the feelings are understood and the appropriate words and language are assigned to the possible childhood trauma experienced, over time the anger can begin to subside.
But without the appropriate words or language, without the understanding and healing or the acceptance of where the feelings came from, the anger will remain.
And trying to control this kind of anger is almost impossible.
The anger in this case – is like a cry for help.
These strong emotions emerge to flag to their owner that something needs addressing. And sometimes finding help or someone who understands and does not fear this kind of anger can be rather hard.
Often we fear anger – but this kind of anger expressed within the confines of a healing environment can bring immense relief to someone who has suffered in silence and alone for so long.
However, even if a person manages to ‘heal’ this pain, they will always be sensitive to control and boundary issues.
Sometimes they may still use situations to act out their concerns. In other words, they may not been able to control for example, their childhood abuse, but at least they can control ‘this situation’. ‘This situation’ can represent any event, small or large, where they may flare up – especially if they sense an injustice has been done or ‘an unfairness’ is witnessed and so on.
This type of rage is however carried from childhood into adulthood.
It is not just an anger due to current circumstances. Rather it is an anger that sits deep within the very core and emerges unexpectedly and sometimes embarrassingly too.
It is a type of rage that not everybody understands – but if you have it, you will know it.
However, trying to control and keep this type of ‘childhood-adulthood anger’ suppressed, fearing what it may symbolise – takes an enormous amount of energy.
Hiding the truth is often due to an enormous sense of guilt and pain. And worse still, is the massive fear that the abused victim may worry about – a fear that they were at fault and that they may have encouraged the abuser and so on.
This is one of the main reasons why the awful memory is then ‘forced’ deeper into the unconscious. The memory of what happened is often just too difficult to bear. And this is how a secret can get buried deep within the psyche for many years.
But buried issues do not always remain buried for long. They will emerge and how they emerge may differ from person to person.
Protecting yourself from an uncomfortable truth only postpones the relief you will experience by letting go that which you have held on for so many years.
So if this topic resonates with you please do find help.
It is a journey you won’t regret. The relief you will feel from finally understanding your pain and your anger, will allow you to emerge from the barriers you may have been hiding behind.
Giving yourself permission to let go of your anger and learning to accept the past, will allow you to make new choices that will match your life’s goals.
So please do find help if you are sitting on this kind of anger.
© 2017 Information Copyright Deidré Wallace
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