Blog 50. SEX AND ADDICTIONS: Why Do People Self-Destruct?
Some of you may recognise those, feelings that emerge from so called nowhere, when you just don’t feel like giving a damn, when you just don’t care and you just can’t be bothered.
You may also remember when as a kid you knew you had to study for an exam but instead – you went out and played with your friends or listened to your music.
Many of you may even have thought, ‘Oh what’s the point I’ll never do well, so why bother’.
Yet when the exam results were read out, you felt ashamed, guilty, knowing that if you had studied you would have done better – in fact far better.
But did you learn from this experience or did you continue with that deep down empty promise that you’ll do better next time? But when each next time came around, did you do the same old thing – nothing? Or did you just listen to your music, go out and play – knowing full well that you’ll land up feeling bad about yourself again, but you did it all the same?
Yet, we all knew that in order to get good exam results we had to sit and study and this wasn’t always what any of us wanted to do. So instead many found excuses.
People find excuses when dieting, they find excuses when exercising or they find excuses when anything positive involves discipline or commitment.
Some even find excuses via addictive substances – drink, drugs, smoking or anything that takes them away from themselves or sitting down and doing some hard work.
Because sometimes the goals we set ourselves are too hard to attain, but mostly, it’s due to the ‘inner voice’ that sneaks up when we’re not looking.
It’s the voice of disempowerment. It’s the voice that hates discipline.
It ‘s the voice that offers an excuse so we can put off our goals until tomorrow or next week.
It’s the voice that says, ‘This is too much like hard work and I’m too tired’.
So we fail. And we do this to ourselves constantly – we choose failure.
We eat that piece of chocolate cake that breaks our diet or we skip an exercise class or we head to the golf course instead of finally dealing with the project at hand.
Worse still, we land up in relationships knowing full well they may end in tears.
And we can go from success to failure within seconds. This turn around can occur so quickly that mostly people are left unaware.
And to some extent, this happens to everyone.
Because if we have not felt the sweet taste of success how will we ever understand the feeling it generates?
These days, people are becoming more aware. They are more aware that in order to be successful small steps taken are better. As the small steps are taken, achievement leads to more achievement and so on, until that’s all you are doing, achieving and succeeding. It’s as if achievement breeds achievement – and the same applies to success.
People are also now more aware that success involves tenacity, commitment and perseverance.
And this applies equally to achieving good relationships too.
But, how on earth will you achieve this – if for so many years, you’ve been unable to truly succeed at your career or your relationships and so on?
If no one took much notice of you as a child, if no one helped you with your homework, if no one explained why getting good marks will help you succeed in life, if no one took the time to help you choose your career, and all you were told is that you are not good enough, stupid, that you deserve less, that you’re not worthy of anything more than your parents deserved and so on – then how on earth will you know how to do better when your self-destruct voice makes its appearance from deep within?
Feelings that emerge from so called nowhere, feelings that self-destruct, aren’t just from nowhere. They often come from a place where people have not developed a self-belief system – often due to circumstance or through choice.
For the majority of people walking on the planet right now, many are stuck in their own self-hate, self-destruction and self-belief patterns of behaviour. Many feel frustrated, angry and very unhappy as a result.
Unfortunately, people often do things without realizing that much of their choices or behaviour – only reaffirms their negative inner self-belief systems.
People also don’t always realise that a negative or destructive self-belief system can be reversed.
David Walliams said,
‘I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I’m with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start to think really dark thoughts, self-destructive thoughts’.
Becoming aware of our thoughts and our belief system is very important. What we think or how we think – tells us about our belief system.
This is why psychologists and scientists are beginning to encourage us to reconsider how we think. They reckon that how and what we think has a massive impact on our health and how we conduct our lives.
But what we think is also up to us. Many are now beginning to shift how they think by making a concerted effort to ignore any negative thoughts and inserting positive ones instead.
But reversing self-worth involves discipline and commitment. It takes hard work to reverse an inner belief system, especially one that acts like a bewitching spell. And revoking this enchanted belief-system isn’t always easy.
Because when levels of self-worth or self-belief are low – then self-discipline will be low too.
Getting up and doing anything for ourselves is very hard if we are feeling low. And so the cycle and lack of self-belief and worth may continue.
However, this can lead to a lot of frustration and anger and this could help reinforce the negative belief system.
So when your self-destruct button is pressed, know this:
- First of all you need to find the origin of your negative self-belief.
- Get to understand it and get to know how it operates and how you react to it.
- Watch how you think as a result. Write it down and make notes.
- Find out what triggers your self-destruct buttons. Write it down and make notes.
- Start replacing negative thoughts with good ones.
- Develop gratitude. Start by counting what you do have, and start by appreciating what you have compared to say someone starving in Africa. This comparison is often a wake up call.
- Remember that you also always have a choice. You can listen to your inner destructive record or you can begin to tell it to go away.
- You can continue doing nothing or you can start doing the opposite.
- Breaking habits and addictions is hard – so be patient with yourself and don’t give up.
- Success comes from not ever giving up.
- Take one day at a time and slowly you will begin to see the results.
- But this starts by you being clear about what it is that you really want to achieve.
- Once you are clear – then working towards achieving goals becomes a little easier.
- Nothing comes from nothing. No relationship, no friendship, no career, no job is ever truly successful if you sit around waiting for life to happen.
- You need to take life by the horns and make it happen.
- Nobody is ever going to rescue you because ‘The Knight In Shining Armour’ mostly only belongs in fairy tales.
So if your self-destructive patterns are getting in the way of you moving forward then it may be time to address the why.
And remember this too: Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s a self-destructing technique.
So what might it really be doing for you?
© 2017 Information Copyright Deidré Wallace
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