The Deidré Wallace System

44: Sex and Addictions: What You Probably Didn’t Know About Sexual Abuse.

0 Posted by - November 24, 2016 - My Step-By-Step Relationship System, Uncategorized

Blog 44: Sex: What You Probably Didn’t Know About Sexual Abuse.

Sexual Abuse is a topic which was and remains taboo, hidden – yet in plain sight of all those who knew, who saw, who watched and who chose to turn a blind eye – blaming their silence on many reasons that leaves their excuses breathtaking to any outsider.

Unlike today, little was known of the secrets that went on behind closed doors:

The Abuse/The Abuser:

The choosing of a baby, a toddler or which child or teenager to abuse, the subtle flirtatious nuances and the slow psychological breakdown of their target – which they methodically prepare and groom with the full range of menacing threats to silence their victims who are then sworn to secrecy. Sworn to secrecy by using a range of threats either against the victim or their family.

Then the game begins, as they eventually pounce upon their prey. The molestation, the harassment and the pestering can go on for years – often until the child is no longer desirable.

If the abuse is long term, it could feel like psychological and physical torture, whilst the abuser can reap all the power and control over their victim that a skilled torturer may experience. The abuser may enjoy the sadistic desire to cause pain as well as the adrenaline rush of anticipation and secrecy that the abuse entails. Then of course there is the final climax of the orgasmic release.

And sadly, this abuse can occur under the same roof as the rest of the family, consisting of members who themselves may have been abused, others who may be oblivious of the goings on, others who may be threatened themselves, or too frightened by the consequences or by what they may uncover, that they prefer to collude with the abuser and remain silent.

The abuser, knowing the victim or the family well, would have easily gleaned whether they could get away with the abuse or not. If for example, they were the breadwinners, then this would be to their advantage, as it would help keep the abuse and the family quiet.

Vicious Rivalry Can Occur Between Victims:

Also, very little is known about the jealousy that is often set up between either the siblings or between other abused family members and so on.

When one victim gets chosen, instead and over another, they may feel rejected by the abuser and angry as a result. The rejected one may harbour feelings of jealousy towards the chosen one. This jealousy can result in vicious rivalry that can go on for many years to come.

This rivalry can be worsened if the abuser then decides to discard one victim for another.

And if the abuser is known to the victim and possibly even admired or loved, this could add to the viciousness of the rivalry.

Also, it is now well-known that nine out of ten times – the abuser is often either a family member or they may be familiar to the family.

Furthermore, often the predator/abuser prefers their prey when they are young. This way they hope that the atrocity will remain buried and forgotten.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

The body has an amazing method of storing trauma.

The memory or the moment of abuse may be forgotten, but it gets stored. It gets stored in the brain, in the body, in the muscle development and in the eyes. Worst still, it gets stored within the psyche of the body as anger, rage, sadness, depression, shame, self-hate, lack of self-worth, confidence and so on.

Without knowing why and exactly where the anger stems from, it can rage without reason – or so it seems. ‘Unreasonable anger’ may emerge at the slightest provocation. This could even come as a surprise to the victim as they are left wondering where on earth the anger came from.

On the other hand, if the victim is left feeling utterly worthless, tainted and discarded, they may fall into a deep depression – or what is also known as suppressed or depressed anger.

Why anger? When boundaries have been crossed without permission given – this is known as rape.

The Consequences Of Abuse:

As a result of sexual abuse, many usually present with relationship and sexual problems.

Many also find that trusting either family members or adults very difficult and this can have vast implications for sustaining long-term relationships.

When someone’s personal space and body gets invaded without permission, the feeling or emotion felt by the victim is one of utter despair. The muscles contract and the body can remain in shock for days after the event. The victim can continue feeling violated, shocked, distressed for possibly even many years afterwards.

 

 

Sexual abuse is an abuse using sexual organs which respond to touch and stroking in order to stimulate an orgasm. The abuse can take different forms from penetration of the penis to fondling of the genitals, bodily touching, masturbation, kissing and so on.

When the organs are touched, kissed, stroked and so on, the body automatically responds and the feeling is usually pleasurable. This is often the case even if a body is being violated. The victim may feel pleasure and consequently a deep guilt sets in – that maybe, just maybe, they were responsible, responsible for perhaps encouraging the perpetrator. This usually leads to the victim feeling a deep shame that is very hard to shift.

The same applies if the victim is a boy abused by a man. He may not only question whether he encouraged the perpetrator – he may also question his sexuality.

The shame and guilt and all the questions that surround sexual abuse can then get hidden and buried and possibly never spoken about.

Also, and what is not often spoken about is that if a baby, toddler or child were sexually abused, they would be far more aware of their sexual organs and the pleasure that can result from their organs being aroused. Consequently, they may for example, masturbate very early on or they may be more sexually aware than other children of the same age.

Women may also present with urinal and urethra problems which may have been caused by the penis tearing the urethra whilst entering the vagina when the child is still growing and developing.

Some women have also been confused. Many cannot understand why their hymen seems to have remained in tact after sexual abuse. This is because the hymen is often referred to as a membrane and in most people’s minds – this is like a ‘thin piece of skin’.

The hymen membrane however, consists of a number of sheath strands which the penis can penetrate without damaging all the strands.

If the victim is a tiny baby then often the broken strands can actually grow back.

Many abusers know this.

This information has often been used by medical practitioners in many court cases – as further evidence that a victim has indeed been abused whether they present as virgins or not. (See links below for more information).

Furthermore, what is also not usually addressed is that if the victim is not physically fully developed, and if they are still either a baby/toddler or young child, the impact of penis penetration can certainly have life-long and permanent damage to the victim’s physical development and growth. Consequently, many victims have for example, also presented with spinal and hip problems.

Others issues may emerge such as anxiety, nightmares, insomnia, memory lapses, a reduced capacity to learn, social withdrawal, headaches, post-traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, addictions and the list goes on.

Others may also present with an intense focused stare that anyone who has experiences any form of shock would understand.

Also, when some yoga students or students of Rolphing which is the study of how the body holds trauma or any health condition, begin to understand the psoas muscle, which is a long fusiform muscle located in the lumbar region, then this often helps release long held trauma.

 

Also, children may act out their abuse usually with their siblings:

What is also never normally spoken about is that if a man has abused a boy, he may act the abuse out on his brother/s (or indeed his sister/s).

This can create a massive shame and I repeat: If it was a boy may not only question whether he encouraged the perpetrator – he may also question his sexuality.

Siblings often describe their anger towards abused siblings who have abused them in turn – thinking that it was a normal and natural thing to do.

And once again, the shame and guilt and all the questions that surround sexual abuse or indeed incest, can get hidden and buried and possibly never spoken about.

But adults may act out their abuse as well:

This we know from the various paedophile and sex offending cases that are now being brought to trial.

It is becoming more and more evident that the majority of paedophiles and sex offenders have been abused in childhood. And it is well known that ‘the abuser will abuse’.

The hope is that anyone who has been abused and who is an abuser will be helped via therapy to understand their own abuse.

The abused victim becomes the abuser:

Abuse is a learned behaviour. No matter what or where it is learned, it’s not ok and it is never justified.

Many people experience or witness abuse whilst growing up – and yet they choose not to abuse others.

Abuse is a choice and it is a behavioural choice.

But, there is however an easy line to cross when the learnt (from the abuser) sadistic feelings emerge or when the powerful adrenalin rush arises – when the abused victim is confronted with someone who is even more vulnerable than they are or were.

The unconscious is very powerful.

If old buried memories are provoked in any way, this could lead to the trigger that starts a victim abusing. It’s what they know. It’s what is tucked deep in their psyche as ‘normal’ even learnt behaviour. And this moment of choice can happen very quickly – leading to an enormous amount of guilt felt afterwards.

Unfortunately, one misdemeanour can then leave the ‘victim-abuser’ wanting more. And once they start experiencing the thrill of the seduction – they may want and need more and more.

Once these roles are reversed, the victim can easily become a powerful predator – the powerful predator or sexual torturer they once hated and feared.

Also, this dynamic can happen at any time, at any point in a victim’s life. The trigger moment can happen even in the most unlikely or strangest of circumstances.

The deep inner feeling of wanting and needing power over another human being, can be so overwhelming BUT then comes the choice: To become just another abuser – or to find help.

Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of this moment of choice.

So I repeat: The hope is that anyone who has been abused and who has become an abuser – will find or be helped via therapy and so on, so as to understand their own abuse and what triggers their behaviour that ultimately leads to the re-creation of the abusive environment.

And know this too: Anyone can be abused and anyone can be the victim of abuse. It happens regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race or economic background. It can happen to anyone and it may even have happened to someone you know.

When abuse occurs, unfortunately, the brain may initially help us forget the traumatic experiences however, over time it gets harder and harder for the brain and indeed the body to suppress the emotional distress.

This is when a victim will begin to realise that something is wrong.

If you are or were a victim of abuse or if you are finding that your relationship is suffering as a result, please find help. Speak to your local GP, find a therapist or support groups in your area.

Confronting Your Family:

However, I do warn you to please tread very carefully if you ever feel the need to confront your family. In Blog 33 and 34 I wrote the following, ‘There is an excellent Danish film which I highly recommend called Festen. It was produced by Nimbus and directed by Thomas Vinterberg. It was released under the title the Celebration in the United States. It was also adapted for British theatre by David Eldridge in 2004.

It is the story of a family who come together in order to celebrate their father’s 60th birthday. At dinner, the eldest son publicly accuses his father of sexually abusing both him and his twin sister (who had recently committed suicide). He opens an emotional can of worms but the family slowly shut him up, as none of the other family members are prepared to admit or accept the realities of what has happened within the family’.

This is often the case. Family members can find it very hard to confront their own abuse, or indeed their collusion with the abuser.

You can test the waters but please be gentle. Not everyone is prepared to look back or indeed heal their past as you may be inclined to do. Sometimes these difficult issues are just best left alone.

But please please do not suffer in silence. One in three people have been abused. If you were abused then know this – you are not alone and there are people out there who can help you find peace of mind.

© 2016 Deidré Wallace. All rights reserved.

You may find these links useful:

(http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466782)

http://www.livestrong.com/article/210015-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-a-toddler/

https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/child-pornography-involving-infants/

http://www.pathguy.com/adams.htm#SApsychtop

http://www.ehow.com/list_6116286_signs-sexual-abuse-infant.html

http://legalbeagle.com/8412212-signs-abuse-children-under-5.html

http://www.essortment.com/signs-sexual-abuse-men-39306.html

http://mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=331&deptid=1

http://www.medical-library.org/

 

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