75. Dating: When You Are Dating Women Should Lead And Men Should Follow? But What Does This Really Mean?
Many men reading this title may immediately think that the idea of a women leading the dating game – is unthinkable and that it is an attempt to put men down.
On the contrary, instead I am providing a tip to help people understand how we go about determining whether someone is right for us. It is also a tip that enables the empowerment of both men and women.
Over the years I have been taught and shown by the men in my family, my own relationships as well as by my very special and charismatic grandfather that especially during the dating game – women should lead and men should follow.
Even as a Relationship Therapist this became obvious.
Let me explain:
Even though men might be the hunters in the romantic field, it is the women who give the signals. It is only then, that men should act.
But what exactly does this mean?
Predominantly in the West and during the courting process, dating: the first kiss, having sex, getting married and so on, is normally determined by the woman. She decides whether she wants to go out with a man, whether she will allow him to kiss her, whether she wants to have sex with him, marry him and so on.
In other words – she chooses and she leads. And women often forget this.
Also what has been forgotten – is how to date, the reasons for dating and why the process is necessary in order to achieve successful long-term relationships.
Just mentioning the term ‘dating or courting’ often causes hackles to rise. Usually this is because the value and the process of dating has been lost, and nowadays it isn’t even correctly understood.
And also, when deciding whether a partner is suitable, women and men forget to watch and listen for the signals that each partner consciously or unconsciously presents.
Indeed, by learning to listen, or by learning to ask the right questions, you will be told everything – you just need to become more alert and more observant.
An excellent example of this is the lunch or dinner date:
Sharing a meal, is an important moment to get to know whether your date is a suitable match. And it also involves the opportunity to find out a whole lot more about someone – more than many realise.
When a man asks a woman where she would like to go for dinner, these questions are often taken for granted yet – they are important questions which can signify important elements within a possible relationship.
And the woman should come up with an answer. Being coy or timorous tells a man that she is not good at making decisions. She may lack confidence and so on.
If however, she does suggest a particular restaurant, this should be ‘music to a man’s ears’.
If he is to be the provider then the type of restaurant a woman wants to be taken to, will tell him all he needs to know about her expectations. If he is truly listening, he may realise that she might be high maintenance, out of his league or she may suggest the perfect restaurant which matches his financial situation. And a woman also needs to be sensitive to what her date can afford.
However, these days some people prefer to pay for themselves when going on a date. Many prefer this, reporting that if a man pays, he often expects more (ie sex) afterwards. This often leaves women feeling uncomfortable.
This is a pity and I would suggest that if this is exclusively so – then he is the wrong man to be dating.
But if the goal of dating is to find a marriage partner with whom you wish to build a home and family with, then allowing the man to pay is important.
A man will generally feel more valued both consciously or unconsciously, if he can support his wife and children family.
Although the roles between men and women and what is expected, have changed quite considerably, even then – we need to be aware of the differences between the sexes and what suits each partner best.
If a man prefers to be the bread winner, then how generous he is or what he is able to afford and so on, can be determined and indeed both partners attitude to money can be ascertained through the dating process.
In other words, what can also be realised is someone’s attitude towards money. Someone who is generous will ‘put their hand in their pocket’ and pay immediately. Someone who has money issues may be more reticent and so on.
Often I heard myself remind clients that, “You start as you mean to go on”. If you have your eyes and ears tuned in properly, you will be able to establish whether your date is someone you wish to spend more time with – and quite rapidly too.
From start to finish, the dating process is one that offers both partners an opportunity to make considered choices. It is an opportunity to asses the roles each party wishes to play and it immediately determines whether the woman will lead and whether the man will follow.
If however the man insists on leading and if he comes on too strong, the woman may find his over bearing, over controlling, even bullying behaviour unacceptable. And if she has her thinking cap on – she may realise that if she allows the relationship to continue, his behaviour may become destructive.
He on the other hand, may be watching her too – for signals and signs that will allow and show him what his date or future partner may accept or indeed be happy or unhappy with.
Unfortunately, too many people rush into relationships forgetting the importance or value of taking time to check whether a partner is right. Many are too desperate and needy for attention (and love) that they forget to watch for the signals.
This is why developing a good sense of self and a good dose of self-worth is crucial to making the right partner choices.
Choices begin at the dating stage. Leave your choice any longer – and you may find yourself in deep emotional water which can result in complicated heartache and pain.
This is why when dating and when the man asks a woman which restaurant she would like him to take her to, both parties should realise that:
A) The woman may want to remember that:
1) The restaurant/s that she chooses represents the lifestyle she wish to live by.
2) If she knows what she wants, this will help a man determine whether she is right for him and whether he can ‘afford’ her.
B) The man may want to remember that:
1) If he is to provide for a family, then understanding whether he will be able to provide or whether as a couple they will be able to make ends meet – is an important clue to compatibility.
2) If they ever have children, and if she has to stay at home in order to look after the children – he may have to be the sole provider.
3) If he or as a couple are unable to afford to provide for a family, then this could lead to arguments and friction.
Money can make or break a relationship and listening to the early signals is therefore crucial to the success of the relationship.
This is why it is so important to look for the little or hidden signals in the beginning of a relationship.
Little signals tell us a lot and it is often the little signals that become bigger issues later on.
However, coming back to how a woman leads:
A man can flirt with a woman – but it is up to the woman who usually controls how far the flirting is taken.
With regards sex, it is the woman who either agrees to have sex or she can say – NO, no thank you. And if the man is a gentleman he would and should end it right there and then.
Women must also remember not to ‘lead a man on’ – as this can create a lot of unnecessary trouble and misunderstandings too.
Dating and getting to know one another should be fun. It is fun to be dated and it is fun to learn things about one another.
But it’s also important to understand – that the signals or roles that we play are crucial to helping each dating partner determine whether a relationship is right.
What role each person can and should play is so important. This lays down a good foundation for a good relationship. And it sets up good ‘team work’.
Unfortunately in society today, the different roles and how to date a partner seem to have been forgotten and both sexes often look and behave a bit lost.
Men are becoming more feminine and women more masculine. Even their voices are changing. Men’s voices are becoming higher and more ‘feminine’ and women’s voices are becoming deeper and more masculine.
This is because the roles which each person needs to play within a relationship are often not properly defined, understood or even discussed.
And we forget that the signals we create – tell people more about who we are. And as a woman leads and as a man watches – so he will know how to follow.
It’s a kind of dance.
Understand this and you will be well positioned to have a good relationship.
Have fun and remember that – women actually do lead so that men can follow her signals.
© 2015 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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